Mental Illness

Lately, I have started to speak out about some of my struggles, only (once again) to be met with ridicule.

I have had an eating disorder since fourth grade. I was always active and playing soccer or dancing as a child, and never saw my weight as anything but normal. In the fourth grade, bullies suddenly entered my life and I didn't know how to handle them. My teacher used to have meetings with me every day after lunch to make sure that I ate my lunch that my mom had prepared that morning. I was constantly monitored by the cafeteria staff to make sure I wasn't throwing my food away or giving it to my friends. Well, after a few weeks my parents started noticing that I was suddenly losing weight. Little did I know at the time, I was also doing other harm to my body. Around the same time, I started having migraines and had to go to Syracuse for testing and to get put on medication for the migraines.

After everyone found out what was going on and it was explained to me by school staff what I was doing to myself, I started eating again. I didn't have any issues with my eating disorder until my freshman year of high school when I went through a traumatic time. With the help of my parents and a counselor, I got set on the right track again....until college. Since starting college, I have had a constant on-and-off relationship with my eating disorder. Most of the people that are close with me know my history with this specific disorder, and now help me to stay on the right track with it.

Consequently, I also have suffered with depression. If you have read one of my previous blog posts, then you will realize that I have been through multiple traumatic experiences in my short 20 years. Some of these experiences have caused me to sink to the darkest corners of my mind, and have thoughts that I did not think someone like myself was capable of having. Again, with the help of my amazing family and multiple counselors, I have been able to push through these times.

I also have an anxiety disorder. I find myself unable to control my body and thoughts at times. I may know that I shouldn't or should be doing something, and cannot change my actions in order to fit what I want to do. There will be times when I am paralyzed due to fear, to an extent that most people cannot understand. I struggle at times with simple everyday tasks, like choosing where to eat when going to dinner with friends. To this day, I am still learning about what this truly means and what my options are in order to be able to handle every day tasks. 

On Facebook, I have started sharing articles that truly communicate how I have been feeling while struggling with these disorders lately. Let me say this first-I do not share them for pity or to have people pay attention to me. I share them because I have felt so alone struggling, and to feel like there are other people in the world that understand me is just a breath of fresh air. I share them for myself, and for people who may also be facing the same struggle. 

However, there are people who have said that I shouldn't be sharing posts like that because it makes them "uncomfortable" or "it isn't something that I should be proud about."  If an article makes you uncomfortable, you do not have read it folks. And to say I am proud that I have mental disorders? I am not "proud," but I am no longer ashamed that I face these struggles. If someone chooses to stereotype me because of the way my brain works, I am no longer going to let it affect me. I have been so afraid of what people think about me for the longest time, and it only makes the "symptoms," for lack of a better word, of my disorders worse.

There are people that do not have the support system that I have, or can get the care that I can through my medical insurance and amazing counselors at school. There are people that have the same disorders as me, but have them 10x worse and cannot leave their own rooms because of it. I am lucky that I can attend school and have two jobs while trying to figure out ways to control my disorders to have a normal life.

Mental illness is not a topic that should be swept under the rug and ignored, it is something that people need to discuss. The people that struggle with mental disorders need their friends and family to be accepting and ready to assist them in any way possible. Otherwise, they may never seek help. And please realize, it is not the person's fault that they think the way they do or act the way they do because of their disorder. Do not blame them for their disorder. From my experience, they hate it just as much as you do.